i am:
鈿笍 a man
鈿笍 a woman
馃敇 at a family get togetherlooking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a way out
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I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I鈥檓 alive
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don鈥檛 think they鈥檙e tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can鈥檛 eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children鈥檚 childing.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
i love that my tweets still say i鈥檓 tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you鈥檙e alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I鈥檓 dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald鈥檚 and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-