Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”