The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
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Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
#FunnyLife Insects
“i am a sweet baby”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me, in DM rooms…
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag