Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Yoga Matt
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.