Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun