I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I don’t know what to do
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.