[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.