Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
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Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”