Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
You Might Also Like
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
his wife is probably gonna see that
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors