coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
2 years later
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents