Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.