The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word