Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
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The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma