I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!