[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.