It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
My dog ate my work from home.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
So sick of all these stupid rules