When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
my mind
You just read my mind
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces