Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
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[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.