After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Brilliant!
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.