[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!