-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct