Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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December birthdays be like…
Tell me you get it…🤣
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
This headline is a thing of beauty
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*