Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”