Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
*Inspirational Tweets*
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.