It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
bout dat hot dog summer
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.