“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
secret recipe
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked