Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
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Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
This is the best one I’ve seen
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!