Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Velcrow
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions