The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
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kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
A game married people play.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
My neck, my back, my…