Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT