Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
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FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.