Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
respect
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place