Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
The three genders
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW