The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
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Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
“Great, now I have to pee.”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
the three branches of government
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨