ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”