My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Bro what is this
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Lube but for my dry humor.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.