My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
sigh
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.