My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
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I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook