There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Did I do this right
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly