a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
You Might Also Like
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear