me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.