This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
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I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond