My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*