Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
🙅🏻
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
What an awful time to have common sense.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
synchronized noseblowing
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me