Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
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agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Well, shit
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.