I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
You Might Also Like
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
If a snake ate a cake
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?