mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
kids play hide and seek like
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
A choir of Spring onions
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here