Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”