Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
#Caturday
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.