I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.